In the latest season of The Crown, there’s a scene in which Prince Charles comments that he and Princess Diana, despite being divorced, are actually getting along quite well. In a tender moment, he admits to Diana that although their marriage did not go well, he hopes they can do much better when it comes to co-parenting their sons. She agrees.

What Charles and Diana supposedly knew–and what many divorced parents realize–is the importance of mitigating any psychological effects their children may be experiencing as a result of the divorce. Simply put, both parents need to be civil with each other to ease the burden for their children.

Some research indicates that children and teens of divorced or separated parents may be at increased risk for a host of behavioral issues and depression, although this is certainly not always the case. Many kids rebound rather quickly after their parents get divorced. Still, the risk increases when separated or divorced parents don’t get along, and especially if arguing and negative talk take place in front of the child. This behavior can make the child more anxious, a problem that only intensifies when parents fight over child custody.

Child custody

Children in the middle of a contentious custody battle often experience a number of psychological effects, from trouble sleeping to behavioral issues to full-blown depression. Behaviors will vary based on the age of the child, but can range from mild to severe. Fortunately, there are things you can do to minimize the tension and decrease any stress your child may be experiencing. Here are a few to keep in mind:

• Take the high road. While it may seem like common sense not to argue in front of your child, it can be hard to avoid in the heat of the moment. When children witness one or both parents behaving terribly, they may feel like the problem is their fault or that something is wrong with them. Although you might not like your ex, do your best to be kind and civil to each other.

• Put your child’s needs first. When you’re caught up in a divorce or custody battle, there’s a lot going on. Emotions can run high. Despite the drama, keep your child’s feelings and ability to cope top of mind. This is important for your child’s current well-being and also for his or her future. Your number-one job as a parent is to provide a safe and happy atmosphere for your child. If you fall short, there’s a good chance your child will look for ways to remedy the situation without your help. Unfortunately, his way of handling it may not always be healthy and could include risk-taking behaviors.

• Keep your child out of it. Matters related to the divorce should be kept between you and your spouse and not discussed when your child is present. Be sure not to use your children as messengers or do anything that would put them in the middle of the situation or force them to choose one parent over the other. Instead, cooperate with your ex-spouse in all matters related to your child. It’s the best way to ensure a healthy outcome for your offspring. 

The good news

Studies show that the first year after a divorce is often hardest for the kids. But when parents commit to co-parenting peacefully, it doesn’t have to be that way. Reassure your child that you will both still be his or her parents and that your involvement will not change–despite the divorce. Keep in mind that if your child has been living in a high-conflict situation, there’s a good chance he or she will fare much better after the divorce.

Image by Annie Spratt from Pixabay 

Dr. David Lowenstein is a Columbus, Ohio-based psychologist with more than 35 years of experience. He conducts individual, family, and group therapy sessions in his German Village office and also via telehealth. Dr. Lowenstein is also available for expert forensic testimony, and for educational workshops and presentations. He is frequently called upon as an expert source for print, radio, and broadcast media. Contact Dr. Lowenstein at Lowenstein & Associates, 691 South Fifth Street, Columbus, Ohio, 43206, or call 614.443.6155 or 614.444.0432.