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How can you make Valentine’s Day more meaningful than just another Hallmark holiday?

While it’s always fun to exchange cards and share the typical chocolate, gift or romantic dinner, we believe the day can be used more consciously than that. We propose using Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to assess the temperature of your love relationship.

You can do this assessment any time throughout the day so it doesn’t interfere with your traditional celebration. Here are a few topics that couples can explore together:

Communication

• Is your partner available and interested in what you have to say?
• How much do you disclose to each other about everyday events?
• Is there an issue that you avoid in discussions?
• How do you deal with conflict resolution?
• How do you argue?
• Are you harboring any resentment that needs to be expressed?
• How could your partner facilitate more open dialogue?

Intimacy

• Are you satisfied with the level of intimacy in your relationship?
• Do you share enough physical affection?
• Are you happy with the sexual relationship?
• Do you appreciate each other and take the time to share compliments?
• Do you spend enough time together to enhance your sense of intimacy?

Finances

• How well are you handling individual and shared finances?
• Do you communicate about any potential financial strains in the relationship?
• Do you talk openly about credit card bills, budgets, borrowing and saving? Are you on the same page about managing your financial life together?

Family Relationships

• How is your relationship with other members of the family?
• Are your children getting sufficient attention from both of you?
• Are parents, in-laws and other relatives bringing you closer together or pushing you apart?
• Are you avoiding any family issues that need to be addressed?
• Do you express your appreciation for the people who matter to you?

Take this quick inventory, and tune in to any areas that may need attention. It’s a great way to celebrate Valentine’s Day!

Read More...]]> The physical and emotional consequences for the victims of bullying can be severe. Children who are bullied are:

• At greater risk of depression and lower self-esteem later in life
• More likely to report migraine and non-migraine headaches
• Prone to missing more school because of excused and unexcused absences
• At higher risk for running away from home
• More likely to have problems with alcohol and drug use

In some instances, the bullying may be so severe and go on for such a long time that the victim has thoughts of suicide—or he may actually commit suicide. Victims are more likely to attempt suicide than their non-bullied peers. In fact, the term “bullycide” is used to describe a suicide that occurs due to extreme bullying behavior.

Here are some of the short-term and long-term effects of bullying:

Short term:

• Anger
• Depression
• Anxious avoidance of settings in which bullying may occur
• Greater incidence of illness
• Lower grades than non-bullied peers
• Suicidal thoughts

Long term:

• Reduced occupational opportunities
• Lingering feelings of anger and bitterness and a desire for revenge
• Difficulty trusting people
• Interpersonal difficulties, including fear and avoidance of new social situations
• Increased tendency to be a loner
• Perception of self as easy to victimize, overly sensitive and thin-skinned
• Self-esteem problems
• Increased incidence of continued bullying and victimization

Yet, in spite of its prevalence, bullying is too often overlooked or downplayed among parents and educators. Many bullying activities take place out of the view of adults, but even those activities that occur within plain sight are often ignored. Consider this:

• As many as one-fourth of elementary and middle school teachers don’t understand the seriousness of bullying or putdowns and, therefore, intervene in only 4 percent of these incidents.
• More than two-thirds of middle school students believe that schools respond poorly to bullying.

Read More...]]> “Ask Dr. Dave” is a forum for discussions which interest you. If you have specific questions about mental health,  overall family well-being, child and adolescent behavior, or issues that impact our communities and schools, Dr. David Lowenstein can help.

Please contact Dr. Lowenstein via this website and your question will be considered for our monthly topic. Although we may ask you for your email address, your personal identity will always remain confidential.

We emphasize that this forum is for general discussion only and is not a substitute for a patient-doctor relationship. We only offer suggestions, guidance, and help you discover alternatives that you may have not previously considered. We encourage you to participate and hope to hear from you!

Read More...]]> Today we know that bullying can have long-term effects on both the victim—and the bully. As an adult, the bully has a greater risk of being involved in criminal behavior, and both the bully and the victim may suffer from future health and mental health problems. In fact, years after the bullying occurred, adults who were bullied as teens have higher levels of depression and poorer self-esteem than other adults. And, six out of 10 kids identified as bullies in middle school are convicted of a crime by the time they reach age 24. It’s a sobering scenario. Here’s a closer look at these long-term effects.

• Some victims of bullying experience immediate mental or physical health-related consequences. Studies show that victims have more anxiety, sadness, sleep difficulties, low self-esteem, headaches, stomach pain, and general tension than their peers who are not being bullied. Researchers from Finland discovered that victims are more likely than bullies to suffer from anxiety disorders, such as depression, separation anxiety and panic disorder. Also, this psychological stress can cause victims’ bodies to be less resistant to disease and infection, and therefore, they may get sick more often.

• In the social area, victims have few friends or none at all. Due to their high anxiety level and low self-worth, it is very hard for them to make friends. This leads to feelings of isolation and the belief that they are not even worthy of friendships. Often, other kids don’t want to become friends with the victims because they are afraid that they will be bullied as well. Another reason that other kids do not hang around with victims is because they worry that peers will not like them if they associate with the victims.

• When victims are sad or lonely, this can affect how they perform in school. Since many victims are afraid to go to school, they may suffer from poor attendance. They might be afraid to ride the school bus or use the bathroom at school. One study found that 8 percent of 8th graders in the United States miss at least one day of school each month because they are afraid of bullies.  Victims often earn lower grades due to poor attendance, stress and worry. They become obsessed with the bullying and how to avoid it. This leaves little or no time, energy or concern for schoolwork and learning. A vicious cycle can occur because the victim’s poor school performance can lead to embarrassment and anxiety, which may in turn increase the bullying.

• Victims may become violent, either at the time of the bullying or in the future. This violent behavior may be directed at themselves, at their school in general, or in the form of retaliation toward the bully. Sometimes the violent behavior can lead to even more bullying towards the victim, as the bullies seek revenge on the victim for bullying them.

 Dr. Lowenstein recently appeared on NBC4 with Cabot Rea to discuss bullying and the associated consequences. If you saw the segment, we’d love to hear your comments. Or, feel free to share your thoughts on this sobering topic.

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Read More...]]> Helping your child succeed in school requires the proper balance. You should be involved–but not too involved. You need to set limits–but also allow freedom. And you should encourage your children to excel–but not expect perfection. Here are 10 tips from experts to help you make 2012 a great year for your entire family.

1. Create a routine. Kids benefit from structure in the home, including a set time to get up and a positive bedtime ritual. Reading together and talking about the stories is a great way to interact with your children at the end of the day.
2. Prepare for the morning the night before.  To avoid morning chaos, help your children choose clothes to wear and pack their backpacks before going to bed. Being prepared for the school day will get them off to a good start in the morning and will promote self-confidence.
3. Help your child get organized. To help your children feel organized and in control, help them develop a system for storing and retrieving belongings. Try using color-coded folders for different subjects so that materials can be located quickly.
4. Provide a quiet place for homework, but let your child work alone. Be available to help, but don’t hover while your child is working. If you do offer help, point out mistakes, but let your child figure out how to fix them.
5. Limit distractions. Television, computers, and video games can be major competitors for your child’s attention and can make school and homework seem boring. Try to limit these activities as much as possible, especially on school nights.
6. Encourage intellectual curiosity. Talk to your children; ask questions about their day and share your own interests. Nourishing your child’s curiosity will instill a love of learning.
7. Allow free time. Build in time during the day for unstructured play. Try not to schedule too many after-school activities that don’t allow your child to have some downtime.
8. Build relationships with teachers. Keep the lines of communication open with your children’s teachers and avoid criticizing teachers, especially in front of your children.
9. Focus on effort rather than grades. Express confidence in your children’s abilities and focus on what they have done well. If you’re constantly raising the bar, they will never feel quite good enough.
10. Learn how to step back. Resist the urge to micromanage your children’s education and stop worrying about whether they are doing well enough to get into a good college. Such pressure makes children feel like failures.

Read More...]]> Hazing is a process, based on a tradition that is used by groups to discipline and to maintain a hierarchy (i.e. a pecking order). Regardless of consent, the rituals require individuals to engage in activities that are physically and psychologically stressful.

These activities can be humiliating, demeaning, intimidating, and exhausting, all of which results in physical and/or emotional discomfort. Hazing is about group dynamics and proving one’s worthiness to become a member of the specific group.

Hazardous Hazing

Hazardous hazing occurs when the traditions or initiation rites skid out of control and cause significant and lasting physical and/or psychological damage. When hazardous hazing occurs everyone in the group, including the perpetrators, (those who planned and carried out the actions) bystanders (those who watched and did not actively participate) and victims, (those who were receiving the hazing) may be psychologically traumatized.

The families of those involved, coaches and other supervisors may also be traumatized—even if they were not present during the hazardous hazing.

Their trauma may be evident immediately, or it may be delayed for months, years or even decades.

Bullying

Bullying is an intentional act of aggression that is meant to harm a victim either physically or psychologically. Bullies usually operate alone or in small groups and choose to victimize individuals who they perceive as vulnerable. Victims attract bullies by their small stature, their younger age, or lower social status. Frequently there is only one specific victim who is often a scapegoat.

There are no traditions involved, nor are there authority figures or leaders.

The intent of the bully is to satisfy his own personal needs, such as obtaining money, lunch, homework or simply intimidating someone. Bullying has been observed in preschool children whereas hazing does not begin until middle or high school.

A Blueprint for Hazing

The blueprint of hazing states that the newcomer, or victim, is hazed. Once accepted by the group, the victim becomes a bystander, and watches as others get hazed. Eventually, the bystander achieves senior status and power, and becomes a perpetrator.

They do onto others what was done to them, and they feel as though they have the right and duty to pass on the tradition. High school students pack up this blueprint and stuff it into their backpack in order to take their hazing experience with them to college, the military and the workplace. Each hazing brings with it the possibility of a new twist. Perpetrators want to leave their mark on the tradition, and therefore they may add or change the tradition slightly.

Read More...]]> Along with this holiday season comes the New Year’s Resolutions that many of us make.  So what resolutions will all of you be making this year – besides the one that states “I am making a resolution to not make any resolutions.” Leave a comment if you want to participate in this discussion.

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Read More...]]> Although the holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and good cheer, that’s not always the case. In fact, studies show that approximately 25 percent of the population suffers from some degree of depression during the holidays. After all, it’s the season of unrealistic expectations, stress and fatigue, combined with the increased demands of a lengthy to-do list. This depression may be temporary, but the problems and emotions that surface during this time make it difficult for some people to cope.

It may help to first understand the factors that commonly contribute to the holiday blues. They tend to fall into three categories:

1. Psychological

• You may be facing your first holiday without a loved one, and this can cause feelings of sadness and loneliness.
• If you are already feeling depressed or isolated, seeing others having a good time may only make matters worse.
• Family misunderstandings and conflicts can also develop during this time of the year.
• Strained relationships between family members can create uneasiness when everyone gathers.
• Your expectations may be too high. When the picture-perfect celebration, expensive gifts or news from a long-lost friend fall short of expectations, disappoint takes over.

2. Financial

• The holidays are associated with additional financial burdens. You simply may not have as much money to buy gifts or holiday clothes this year.
• The holidays are also a temptation to overspend.

3. Physical

• The added responsibilities that come with the season can cause tension and fatigue.
• Too much food and drink during the holidays can cause frustrating weight gain and unhealthy eating habits.

Here are a few tips to prevent the blues from ruining your holidays:
• Acknowledge your feelings. If you’ve recently lost a loved one or are separated from someone you love, realize that it’s normal to feel sad about the situation. Repressing those feelings of sadness will only make them last longer.

• Seek social support. If you feel isolated or depressed, reach out to community, religious or social services that can provide you with support and companionship. Something as simple as getting involved with a community project could help to lift your spirits.

• Be realistic about change. Families grow, and traditions may need to change when they do. While it’s nice to hold on to certain family rituals, like a special food or activity, it’s also important to understand that some traditions may no longer be possible.

• Don’t set your expectations too high. Holiday gatherings portrayed in pictures and the media are not typically representative of most families.
Set aside differences. Try to accept family members as they are, and leave old grievances or discussions about differences until a more appropriate time.

• Plan ahead. While it helps to develop a calendar that includes specific days and times for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other events, don’t over-schedule. Reserve some time for relaxation, and ask family members and friends to share some of the added responsibilities.

• Don’t abandon healthy habits. It may be the holidays, but you still have an obligation to eat and drink responsibly.