Read More...]]> From Newtown, Connecticut to Boston, Massachusetts, our world has been turned upside down during the last several months. And with the onslaught of media coverage, no one is untouched by these disasters–including children. Parents, teachers and other caregivers are left wondering how to help children cope with these events, as evidenced by the number of requests I’ve received to address this issue. Given that this topic is on just about everyone’s mind, let’s take a closer look at what children understand about disaster and what parents and other caregivers can do to help them cope.

What Do Children Understand?

Let me begin by saying that children think differently than adults. To best help our children, we must recognize how children of different ages understand these high-profile tragedies.

Younger Children

• Young children, preschoolers and early elementary-age children are egocentric, which means they understand the world best in relation to themselves. So they think about any disaster in relation to their own lives and how it may affect them.
• Young children tend to assume that others will feel like they do, so they may be concerned about the welfare of others. These children may be afraid to go to bed at night, fearing that their own  home or room is not safe.
• They may seem more needy or clingy than usual, and they may be more upset than usual when separated from their parents.
• Caregivers should be responsive to these needs and offer extra nurturing and physical reassurance of their presence in children’s lives.

Late-Elementary and Middle School

• As children get older and move into late-elementary and middle school, they think in concrete terms, and so they will think about the concrete effects of disaster and tragedy.
• They may fear that their own school or home will be a target for destruction, after seeing what happened at Newtown and at the Boston Marathon.
• Elementary-age and middle school children understand these events in terms of individual actions and individual emotions such as revenge, hatred or envy.

Teens

• It is not until adolescence that children are able to think more abstractly and understand disaster in terms of political beliefs, according to research. Teenagers are more likely to think about the global implications and the reasons behind a particular incident.

Helping Children Cope

Knowing what children can understand about traumatic events helps caregivers to respond more effectively. Caregivers should focus on the developmental level of the child. Good caregiver-child interaction is important when it comes to coping with disastrous events. But parents should be diligent about also looking after their own well-being. Research shows that a parent’s emotional state is significantly related to children’s emotional states.

Researchers suggest three types of coping assistance that adults can offer children: emotional processing, roles and routines, and distraction.

Emotional Processing: Children must be given opportunities to discuss their feelings about traumatic events. In our media-saturated society, most children have been exposed to news coverage and video footage that will affect them. Begin by asking them how it makes them feel. Offer opportunities where they can express themselves. Some children might prefer to draw a picture or write a letter that expresses how they feel. Likewise, let them know how you feel. By sharing your emotions in a way that is appropriate for the child’s age and developmental level, you let him or her know that it is okay to feel sad, scared and confused.

Roles and Routines: Children need predictability in their lives. Providing a daily routine and continuing daily habits provides security for children. Disaster is unpredictable, and children need the reassurance and security that daily structure can provide.

Distraction: Although it is beneficial for children to express their emotions related to traumatic events, it may not be helpful for them to dwell on these events excessively. Begin by turning off the radio or TV since exposure to continuous news coverage of traumatic events may prevent children from returning to routines and engaging in productive activities. Instead, get them involved in familiar, safe activities–play games, go for a walk, prepare a meal together, talk about other things happening in their lives.

Still, some researchers suggest making traumatic events personally meaningful to change the way we think about them. For instance, you may want to help children find constructive ways to deal with their feelings about traumatic events, such as writing a letter of encouragement or thanks to firefighters, doctors, nurses or military personnel. Or, you may want to help children make donations of money or other items to help with relief efforts. These types of activities provide children the opportunity to play a useful role in relation to tragic events, and it helps them to change their focus from one of fear to one of hope.

Read More...]]> Looking for ways to help to foster healthy self-esteem in a child? Here are some tips that can make a big difference:

• Watch what you say. Children are very sensitive to parents’ words. Remember to praise your child not only for a job well done, but also for effort. But be truthful. For example, if your child doesn’t make the soccer team, avoid saying something like, “Well, next time you’ll work harder and make it.” Instead, say something like, “Well, you didn’t make the team, but I’m really proud of the effort you put into it.” Reward effort and completion instead of outcome.

• Be a positive role model. If you are excessively harsh on yourself, pessimistic, or unrealistic about your abilities and limitations, your child may eventually mirror you. Nurture your own self-esteem, and your child will have a great role model.

• Identify and redirect your child’s inaccurate beliefs. It’s important for parents to identify kids’ irrational beliefs about themselves, whether they are about perfection, attractiveness, ability, or anything else. Helping your child set more accurate standards and be more realistic in evaluating himself will help your child have a more healthy self-concept. Inaccurate perceptions of self can take root and become reality to a child. For example, a child who does very well in school but struggles with math may say, “I can’t do math. I’m a bad student. Not only is this a false generalization, it’s also a belief that will set your child up for failure. Encourage your child to see the situation in its true light. A helpful response might be: “You are a good student. You do great in school. Math is just a subject that you need to spend more time on. We’ll work on it together.”

• Be spontaneous and affectionate with your child. Your love will go a long way to boost your child’s self-esteem. Give your child hugs. Tell your child you’re proud of her. Leave a note in your child’s lunch box that reads, “I think you’re terrific!” Give praise frequently and honestly, without overdoing it. Kids can tell whether something comes from the heart.

• Give positive, accurate feedback. A comment such as, “You always work yourself up into such a frenzy!” will cause a child to start believing he has no control over his outbursts. A better statement is, “You were really mad at your brother. But I appreciate that you didn’t yell at him or hit him.” This acknowledges your child’s feelings and rewards the choice that your child made, encouraging your child to make the right choice again next time.

• Create a safe, nurturing home environment. A child who does not feel safe or is being abused at home will suffer immensely from low self-esteem. A child who is exposed to parents who fight and argue repeatedly may become depressed and withdrawn. Always remember to respect your child.

• Make your home a safe haven for your family. Watch for signs of abuse by others, problems in school, trouble with peers, and other potential factors that may affect your child’s self-esteem. Deal with these issues sensitively but swiftly.

• Help your child become involved in constructive experiences. Activities that encourage cooperation rather than competition are especially helpful in fostering self-esteem. For example, mentoring programs in which an older child helps a younger one learn to read can do wonders for both children.

• Be generous with praise. Parents must develop the habit of looking for situations in which children are doing a good job, displaying talents, or demonstrating positive character traits. Remember to praise children for jobs well done and for effort.

• Teach positive self-statements. It is important for parents to redirect children’s inaccurate or negative beliefs about themselves and to teach them how to think in positive ways.

• Avoid criticism that takes the form of ridicule or shame. Blame and negative judgments are at the core of poor self-esteem and can lead to emotional disorders.

• Teach children about decision-making and to recognize when they have made good decisions. Let them “own” their problems. If they solve them, they gain confidence in themselves. If you solve them, they will remain dependent on you. Take the time to answer questions. Help children think of alternative options.

• Show children that you can laugh at yourself. Show them that life doesn’t need to be serious all the time and that some teasing is all in fun. Your sense of humor is important for their well-being.

Finding Professional Help

If you suspect your child has low self-esteem, you can get professional help. Family and child counselors can work to uncover underlying issues that are preventing your child from feeling good about himself. Therapy can adjust the way a child views himself and the world. This can enable a child to first see himself in a more realistic light, and then to accept who he truly is. With a little help, every child can develop healthy self-esteem for a happier, more fulfilling life.

Read More...]]> In an interview on the Joel Riley Show 610 WTVN, I talked about acute stress reaction in response to the bombing in Boston. Here’s the full podcast.

http://www.610wtvn.com/cc-common/podcast/single_page.html?podcast=joelriley&selected_podcast=4-22.lowenstein_1366631738_25038.mp3

Read More...]]> Self-esteem fluctuates as a child grows. It is frequently changed and fine-tuned, because it is affected by a child’s experiences and new perceptions. It helps for parents to be aware of the signs of both healthy and unhealthy self-esteem.

A child who has low self-esteem may not want to try new things. She may frequently speak negatively about herself, saying such things as, “I’m stupid,” “I’ll never learn how to do this,” or “What’s the point? Nobody cares about me anyway.” The child may exhibit a low tolerance for frustration, giving up easily or waiting for somebody else to take over. Children with low self-esteem tend to be overly critical of and easily disappointed in themselves. Kids with low self-esteem see temporary setbacks as permanent, intolerable conditions. A sense of pessimism predominates.

A child who has healthy self-esteem tends to enjoy interacting with others. She is comfortable in social settings and enjoys group activities as well as independent pursuits. When challenges arise, she is able to work toward finding solutions. She voices discontent without belittling herself or others. For example, rather than saying, ”I’m an idiot,” a child with healthy self-esteem says, “I don’t understand this.” She knows her strengths and weaknesses, and accepts them. A sense of optimism prevails.

Read More...]]> Self-esteem is the collection of beliefs or feelings that we have about ourselves, or our ”self-perceptions.” How we define ourselves influences our motivations, attitudes, and behaviors and affects our emotional adjustment.

Patterns of self-esteem start very early in life. For example, when a baby or toddler reaches a milestone, he or she experiences a sense of accomplishment that bolsters self-esteem. Learning to roll over after dozens of unsuccessful attempts or finally mastering getting the spoon into her mouth every time she eats are experiences that teach a young child a “can do” attitude. The concept of success following persistence starts early.

As a child tries, fails, tries again, fails again, and then finally succeeds, he is developing ideas about his own capabilities. At the same time, he is creating a self-concept based on interactions with other people. This is why parental involvement is key to helping a child form accurate, healthy self-perceptions.

Self-esteem can also be defined as the combination of feelings of capability with feelings of being loved. A child who is happy with an achievement but does not feel loved may eventually experience low self-esteem. Likewise, a child who feels loved but is hesitant about his own abilities can also end up with low self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem results when the right balance is attained.

Read More...]]> Most parents have heard that “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” and it’s especially true with self-esteem in children. All children need love and appreciation and thrive on positive attention. Yet, how often do parents forget to use words of encouragement such as, “that’s right,” “wonderful,” or “good job”?Regardless of your child’s age, good parent-child communication is essential for raising children with self-esteem and confidence.

Self-esteem is an indicator of good mental health. It is how we feel about ourselves. Poor self-esteem is nothing to be blamed for, ashamed of, or embarrassed about. Some self doubt, particularly during adolescence, is normal—even healthy–but poor self-esteem should not be ignored. In some instances, it can be a symptom of a mental health disorder or emotional disturbance.

Parents can play an important role in helping their children feel better about themselves and developing greater confidence. Doing this is important because children with good self-esteem:

• Act independently
• Assume responsibility
• Take pride in their accomplishments
• Tolerate frustration
• Handle peer pressure appropriately
• Attempt new tasks and challenges
• Handle positive and negative emotions
• Offer assistance to others

Words and actions have great impact on the confidence of children, and children, including adolescents, remember the positive statements parents and caregivers say to them. Phrases such as “I like the way you…” or “You are improving at…” or “I appreciate the way you…” should be used on a daily basis. Parents also can smile, nod, wink, pat on the back, or hug a child to show attention and appreciation.

Healthy self-esteem is a child’s armor against the challenges of the world. Kids who feel good about themselves seem to have an easier time handling conflicts and resisting negative pressures. They tend to smile more readily and enjoy life. These kids are realistic and generally optimistic.

In contrast, for children who have low self-esteem, challenges can become sources of major anxiety and frustration. Children who think poorly of themselves have a hard time finding solutions to problems. If they are plagued by self-critical thoughts, such as “I’m no good” or “I can’t do anything right,” they may become passive, withdrawn, or depressed. Faced with a new challenge, their immediate response is “I can’t.”

Read More...]]> 1. Look for underlying needs. A great example of how this works is to give your child something to play with while waiting in line.

2. Give information and reasons. If your child colors on the wall, explain why we color on paper only.

3. Look for underlying feelings. Acknowledge, accept and listen to your child’s feelings.

4. Change the environment. This is sometimes easier than trying to change the child.

5. Find acceptable alternatives. Redirect your child’s behavior.

6. Demonstrate how you want your child to behave. If your child pulls a cat’s tail, show her how to pet the cat. Do not rely on words alone.

7. Give choices rather than commands. Decision-making empowers children; commands invite a power struggle. For example, ask your child if he would like to brush his teeth before or after putting on his pajamas.

8. Make small concessions. I’ll let you skip brushing your teeth tonight because you are so tired.

9. Provide for a period of preparation. Tell your child how you would expect him to behave, and be specific. Role-playing can help prepare for potentially difficult situations.

10. Let natural consequences occur. Avoid the temptation to rescue your child. For instance, a child who does not hang up her bathing suit and towel may discover they’re still wet the next day.

11. Communicate your own feelings. Let your children know how their behavior affects you.

12. Use action when necessary. If your child insists on running across the street during your walks together, hold her hand tightly while explaining the dangers.

13. Hold your child. Children who are acting aggressively or obnoxiously can benefit from firm but loving holding that allows them to channel their pent-up feelings into healing tears.

14. Remove your child from the situation and stay with him. Use the time for listening, sharing feelings, holding and conflict resolution.

15. Do it together and be playful. Many conflict situations can be turned into games.

16. Defuse the situation with laughter. Laughter helps resolve anger and feelings of powerlessness.

17. Make a deal and negotiate. If you’re ready to leave the playground and your child is still having fun, reach an agreement on the number of times she may go down the slide before leaving.

18. Do mutual conflict-resolution. Discuss ongoing conflicts with your child, state your needs and ask for his help in finding solutions. Determine the rules together, and hold family meetings.

19. Revise your expectations. Young children have intense feelings and needs and are naturally loud, curious, messy, willful, impatient, demanding, creative, forgetful, fearful, self-centered and full of energy. Try to accept them as they are.

20. Take a parental time-out. Leave the room and do whatever you need to do to regain your sense of composure and good judgment.

• The Columbus Dispatch, March 18, 2011
  "Area fans snap up Sheen tickets"
• The Columbus Dispatch, January 17th, 2013
  "Did burden of guilt just become too much for Armstrong?"
• The Columbus Dispatch, January 1, 2011
  "A lofty goal"
• The Columbus Dispatch, January 1, 2011
  "Struggling with goals? It's time for a resolution"
• The Columbus Dispatch, December 17, 2012
  "Mayan Calendar's 'end' put to good use"
• The Columbus Dispatch, November 20, 2011
  "Animal hoarders put pets and selves at risk"

• nbci4.com:February 27, 2013
  "Mikaela's Wake-UP call: two people, two incomes, and a whole lot of life"
• nbci4.com:November 28th, 2012
  "Central Ohioans try their chance at the 550 Million Jackpot"

• Radio: Sunny 95, December 24th, 2012.
  "How to discuss the Sandy Hook tragedy with your children"

• Radio: 610 WTVN, February 19, 2013
  "Educational TV is good for our kids"

Read More...]]>

• The Columbus Dispatch, March 18, 2011
  “Area fans snap up Sheen tickets”
• The Columbus Dispatch, January 17th, 2013
  “Did burden of guilt just become too much for Armstrong?”
• The Columbus Dispatch, January 1, 2011
  “A lofty goal”
• The Columbus Dispatch, January 1, 2011
  “Struggling with goals? It’s time for a resolution”
• The Columbus Dispatch, December 17, 2012
  “Mayan Calendar’s ‘end’ put to good use”
• The Columbus Dispatch, November 20, 2011
  “Animal hoarders put pets and selves at risk”

___________________________________________________________

• nbci4.com:February 27, 2013
  “Mikaela’s Wake-UP call: two people, two incomes, and a whole lot of life” 
• nbci4.com:November 28th, 2012
  “Central Ohioans try their chance at the 550 Million Jackpot”

___________________________________________________________

• Radio: Sunny 95, December 24th, 2012.
  “How to discuss the Sandy Hook tragedy with your children”

___________________________________________________________

• Radio: 610 WTVN, February 19, 2013
  “Educational TV is good for our kids”

Read More...]]> “My child never listens to me!

“She won’t pick up her toys!”

“He won’t clean his room!”

Expressions of frustration like these are all too familiar for many parents. Yet when these same parents try to address the problem with behavior management, they tend to focus on how children control (or do not control) themselves. But think about the typical business setting. It’s a place where effective management is implemented by the individuals in charge–not by the people who are being managed. Likewise, effective behavior management is not so much about what children do. Instead, it has more to do with adult behavior, and research shows that adults vary in their discipline and care giving styles. Let’s take a closer look at the three, primary styles of discipline.

1.     Power Assertive

This discipline style involves adult behavior like spanking, withdrawal of privileges and threats of punishment or physical harm. Children respond to an adult’s request out of fear–rather than respect. Consequently, children’s motivations for appropriate behavior are external, and they conform to expectations to avoid punishment. But when children find themselves in situations where they will probably not be “caught,” they are likely to engage in inappropriate behavior.

2.     Love Withdrawal

This approach to discipline involves adult behavior like refusals to speak or listen to children, threats to leave children, or expressions of dislike and disappointment. Adults who practice this discipline style often give children the proverbial “cold shoulder” when inappropriate behavior occurs. As a consequence, children conform to expectations because they fear abandonment or the loss of adult love and affection. Like power-assertive discipline, love withdrawal produces external motivation for appropriate behavior.

3.     Induction

This style incorporates the true nature of discipline: teaching. Adults who practice induction provide children with explanations for appropriate behavior as well as reasonable consequences for inappropriate behavior. Because children understand why certain actions are expected and others are prohibited, they internalize reasons for these behaviors. As a result, their motivation to behave properly comes from within, and they are more likely to engage in expected behaviors when they are in situations where they are not being watched. Another benefit of induction is that children will be more likely to understand the effects of their behavior on others and then exhibit empathy.

The Power of Communication

Research on discipline and care giving styles indicates that cooperative communication is critical in interactions between adults and children. Effective caregivers clearly convey high expectations to children and provide reasons for expected behaviors, while remaining receptive to the perspectives, suggestions and needs of children. And, effective caregivers are nurturing and responsive to children–even when mistakes occur–because they view discipline as a teaching and learning process.

Aggressive Behavior

The best role models for very aggressive children are their parents. Despite outside influences from the media and their peers, what kids see at home is the biggest determinant of how they behave.  Here are a few more things to consider:

• Children who live with both parents have significantly lower aggression scores.

• The better students get along with their parents, the less likely they are to fight.

• The more parents monitor their student’s activities and friends, the less aggressive their child’s behavior.

• A strong correlation exists between a student’s aggression and how he perceives his parents feel about fighting.

• Even though students who live with both parents have the lowest aggression scores, the following factors are more predictive of aggression than family structure: low parental monitoring, poor relationship with parents, and perceived parental support for fighting.

Read More...]]> Since February is the month for romance, and because I’ve been talking about the role of families and parenting, it seems appropriate to broaden the discussion to include dual-career households. Truth is, women are pursuing advanced degrees at an ever-increasing rate. In 2011, females accounted for 46.6 percent of the labor force. Households where both husband and wife work are now the norm. That said, couples now face several challenges to keep their relationship intact. I typically place these challenges into three categories: work, family and personal. Let’s take a closer look.

Work-Related Challenges

It is rarely the case that careers develop in tandem. More often one partner’s career is taking off while the other’s is in a temporary holding pattern. These imbalances can create tension since one partner is being required to put in extra time and energy to take advantage of significant career opportunities while the other is left to pick  up the slack at home. This naturally raises questions about whose needs are  most important. If not properly addressed, the perceived inequities can quickly  turn into feelings of resentment. Couples who do not actively plan how they  will work through the stresses of unparalleled career paths are likely to  experience significant relationship problems.

Family-Related Challenges

First, the division of household duties is a major issue for most couples. In 80 percent of the couples, women perform  70 percent to 80 percent of the household chores. Any attempts to protect a  traditional division of duties eventually creates an overload situation for  women.

Next, given the time and energy devoted  to working outside the home, a serious question facing dual-career couples is whether  to have children. If a couple decides to have children, timing may be critical.  Starting a family at an early stage in one’s career can have a negative impact,  but if the couple waits too long, age can be a problem. Dual- career couples  who do not discuss their expectations of each other with regard to family and  parenting issues run the risk of putting their relationship in jeopardy.

Personal Challenges

Men and women face personal and career challenges that are distinctly different.  Women typically do not make decisions about  work without considering how it will affect the family, while men view work and  family roles as being independent. Working women often struggle with feelings  of guilt for working outside the home. And, they may receive little to no  support from their families or from society, which may label them as selfish. As  the demands and expectations of work, home and family pile up, working women  may feel like they are losing control of their lives.

At the same time, men are adjusting to the fact that they are no longer the sole provider in the family. Their  financial contributions to the family as well as their career accomplishments  may be equaled or possibly surpassed by their wives. In a society that still  defines masculinity in terms of achievement outside the home, husbands may feel  a sense of loss in their new role.

Time for leisure and social activities is sometimes rare for dual-career couples. When they are not managing the demands  of their working lives, they are struggling to create quality time for children  or each other. This may leave little time for relationships outside the  immediate family. When couples finally find time to spend with each other or  with friends, the occasion is often overshadowed by feelings of guilt.

Possible Solutions

• Clarify roles and expectations. Since communication is the foundation of any relationship, a good starting point for couples who want to enhance their relationship is to spend time sharing their career aspirations with each other. This kind of communication highlights potential conflicting goals and can open the door to a continuing process of compromise and negotiation that marks effective dual-worker relationships.

• Set priorities. The outcome of clarifying roles and expectations is finding common ground with respect to what is most important. Dual-career couples who have learned to successfully manage the challenges of their lifestyle are able to prioritize what means the most to each partner and to the relationship. These couples will likely be successful in their endeavors and succeed in making their marriage work.

• Develop process skills. Many couples put more energy into their wedding day than into any part of their relationship. The test of their relationship will come in their ability to work through the realities of who takes out the garbage, who makes the lunches and who picks up the kids after soccer practice. These decisions and divisions are all a matter of process. Couples who value good process tend to experience good outcomes when confronted with the challenges of daily living.

• Be creative. Solutions to the challenges of dual-working living are as unique as the individuals who choose this lifestyle. There is no master blueprint to overcoming the obstacles these couples face. However, flexibility is the hallmark of a creative couple. The willingness to look at situations from different perspectives and to experiment with new ways of doing things is an essential quality among partners who want to balance work and family roles.

• Exercise forgiveness freely. Dual-income couples should recognize that mistakes happen and that forgiveness needs to be exercised freely if the relationship is to survive. It is not enough to tolerate differences; couples must be able to manage the lifestyle and learn to forgive and forget.